Operation Ovulation (send oxygen)

I should have seen it coming. I just cannot believe I didn't see it coming.

A couple of weeks ago The Girl went to mainland China to spend a week with her family at her sister's house in Guilin over the week of Chinese New Year.

First, I should mention that, while we both agreed a couple years ago that we want kids, we haven't really done the things we needed to do to make that happen (other than the obvious- that we've been doing). That is to say, we didn't stop using birth control, etc..

This is mainly because she has spent alot of time dwelling on the logistics of the whole thing, as if we were rolling out a new product line. "Is it too soon?", "maybe it's not the right time", "perhaps next year would be better, when the financials look rosier" - stuff like that. One week she'd be on board and the next she'd be worrying about some calamity that was sure to befall the child due to its parents' poor project management skills.

And then, as I said, The Girl went to see her family in Guilin...and her sister's three month-old baby. Her younger sister's three month-old baby. Double trouble.

So, we have a cuddly little bundle of smiling sunshine sporting that fresh, clean baby smell...being held and cared for day and night by my Taitai for a week straight.

HOLY CHRIST did she come back on a mission!

And I'm, quite frankly, exhausted. It's like the Bataan death march around here lately! Sometimes I pretend to be asleep so I can give my aching bone(s) a rest.

I now have, on my iMac, a brand-spanking new program called (and I am not making this up) iOvulate. That's right- iOvulate. This software uses calculations based on her menstrual cycle to determine which days of the month she is most fertile. There's a calendar that pops up with green shaded days which lets us know that these are the most fertile days of the month. She told me, in no uncertain terms mind you, that on these green days I "need to come home from work, get a shower and get busy".

Fantastic.

Look- I'm not complaining about having alot of sex...well, okay, I am complaining about having alot of sex. But it's just that it's much more difficult to have lots and lots of it than it used to be. I got muscles twitching and pulling and aching that I didn't even know were there. Hell, last time I was convinced my spine had shattered in 4 places. During foreplay.

It's gotten to the point where, when I see her coming toward me, I try to blend into my surroundings unseen, like some kind of terrified Ninja. I've taken to wearing alot of Paisley so that I am better camouflaged when sitting in front of the psychedelic mural in our living room. And then I sit there all the time.

I've also learned that when she wants me to "get busy", my saying things such as "you can't be serious", "yer freakin' killin' me here" or "but I'm watching Larry King Live!" may not necessarily be the best approach.

The other day I tried faking an injury. Came limping in the door after work and all of a sudden she's my high school gym teacher. "Alright, Lent, let me take a look at it. Oh, yeah, you're fine- shake it off. Now drop and give me 50!"

I guess I shouldn't really complain, I mean, I want a baby very soon too. And, to be fair, it's not as though I don't enjoy it. I should really just shut up and keep eating my Wheaties. Still...

You think she'd take a doctor's note?