Welcome to the Inquisition

Went to the doctor with my wife yesterday. Ostensibly our visit was just for us each to have an annual check-up and to talk to the doctor about preparations The Girl should take for having a baby. As is so often the case with these kinds of things, what really happened is that I got a verbal ass whipping from the Doctor (and my wife) for an hour and half.

I went in presuming we'd be discussing the need for her to take 400 micrograms of Folic acid every day but instead I came out with a band-aid on my arm, a truckload of vitamins, a box of nicotine patches and referrals to a radiologist, a nutritionist and a personal trainer. Good thing we didn't stay longer or I'd be taking piano lessons too, for crissakes.

And all the while, as Doctor Wong is reminding me that I have to quit smoking and blah blah blah blah...I see my wife, who is sitting behind the Doctor, smiling and sticking her tongue out at me. Really annoying. Normally I would have whipped out my brand-new Cantonese cuss words (and nobody swears as creatively- or anywhere near as dirty - as the Cantonese) but I just had to sit there listening to our Doctor scold me like some kind of chastened schoolboy.

I remember wanting desperately to stand up, declare myself an emancipated man and announce that I was off to get hammered, smoke a carton of squares, snort a meat lovers pizza and look at pictures of boobies.

Of course, what I really did was nod and smile knowingly while trying to look interested. At one point I was thinking about whether the world really needs the pilot of the plane that ditched in the Hudson, Sully, to be writing a motivational book, before I moved on to wonder whether Bernie Madoff will be gang raped in prison or not.

So now I have a world of things on my agenda. Let's see, there's x-rays next week. Then a return visit to Doctor Wong so that she can berate me over the almost certainly horrific results of my blood work, followed by a stern talking to from my newly appointed nutritionist (who I can only hope has big boobies) and, finally, a 24 week beat-down by a personal trainer from Vladivostok named Ivan. Oh, yes- and nicotine withdrawl symptoms. They say it's common for people who are quitting smoking to become angry.

At least there's one thing I've already accomplished.

Two more things before I head to school to do battle with 4 year olds:

In other news, I got an email from the managing editor of Ask Men, wanting to know if I would be interested in writing an article for their web magazine (webazine?) about living in Hong Kong, etc.. It's really not that big of a deal - a 400 word puff piece- but money is money and so, word whore that I am, I said "absolutely." Dunno when they're posting it but, since it's supposed to be part of the "2009 Best Cities to Live in", I imagine it won't be long. For all I know it's already on there.

Also, and most importantly, I want to give a shout out, and lots of Love, to my niece Sam. Just a few weeks shy of her 18th birthday, Sam was just diagnosed with a form of Leukemia and she's currently rockin' that bitch from the confines of a hospital bed in Chicago. She has a Facebook page where you can show your support as she goes through the process of beating it. Perhaps you could stop by, say hi, and join the party?

Right, now it's off to the Monster Farm...