Live From Hong Kong- It's The Plague!

Hey everyone. Long time, ay? This is the part where I'm supposed to apologize for not posting, and then write something like "it's just that I've been so busy." The thing is, I don't really feel the need to apologize and I actually haven't been all that busy. I have, however, been spectacularly lazy.

Anyway, much has happened since I last posted here, not loads of it good. Among the steamiest of piles of good news, The Girl got laid off some time ago and I've gone back to teaching full time as a buffer against us relocating to a nice, quiet place under one of Hong Kong's many small bridges.

Not a big deal, really. It's actually been quite good for me in that I get to be the de facto breadwinner for a change. It's allowed me to reclaim a sense of manly dignity, a loss of which is implicit when one's wife makes 10 times what he does. So that has been pleasant.

Still, I hope the hell she gets a gig so I can go back to working part-time, studying and exploring the intricacies of the new playbooks in Madden Football 2009.

Anyway, let's move on to the present....

Hong Kong is certifiably spooked. Given the whole SARS fiasco of 2003, and the almost three hundred deaths associated with it, I can't say I don't understand the hysteria. Still, this whole swine flu thing is turning out to be a bit comical. Everybody here has a facemask and one little cough is enough to cause panic in even the most serene of situations- even now that many experts are saying this strain of the virus looks to be relatively benign.

I've also seen several family pets wearing masks and that's given me plenty of laughs recently. You've not truly experienced comedy until you've seen a family of five, complete with their plumpy little basset hound, strolling quietly down the street with their masks on. I didn't get close enough to see how they kept the mask on the little beast, but I have to assume it was somehow tied around the poor bastard's snout.

If you read world news at all you've no doubt read about the hotel in Hong Kong's Wanchai district that was the unlucky host of the first confirmed swine flu carrier in Hong Kong. The whole hotel was ordered to be quarantined for a week and the guests, well, they are reported to be unhappy at best.

First there's the whole now-we-can't-go-see-the-big-buddha (or one of the many other tourist traps) annoyance. Secondly, I'm certain they came here expecting to enjoy the likes of dim sum, chile-garlic crabs and Beijing Duck, and they are apparently being fed spam sandwiches and bottled water. Ouch. I long to see those "Tell Us How We're Doing!" survey cards.

It's been killing business in the area as well. And, since Wanchai is the home of Hong Kong's red light district, I'm sure there are plenty of hookers that are really bummed out this weekend. And, no doubt, slashing prices. The hookies here are nothing if not astute business people.

The television has non-stop coverage of the events surrounding the poor Mexican national who brought the flu here, as well as the hunt for the other airplane passengers who sat next to the guy and the two cab drivers who drove him around during his first day here in the Fragrant Harbour. It's reached such a fever pitch that I'm imagining citizens roaming the streets at night with torches, pitchforks and zero tolerance.

With The Girl on the mainland meeting contacts and looking for leads on a new gig, and all of my friends using this long holiday weekend (Buddha's Birthday) to spend three days traveling in Asia, I've been left to my own devices for amusement.

The front-runner so far has been to wait until there's lots of people around and then cover up my mouth and cough like I need an iron lung. I actually learned this by accident. On Friday morning I was on my way to Starbucks when my morning smoker's hack kicked in. Next thing I know, there's Mothers and Nannys shielding the children's faces and running as if their asses were on fire. Ahh, good times.

I've also decided not to wear a mask. Even though the decision was effectively been made for me by virtue of the fact that there are no masks left to buy in HK, I had already decided not to. And though the reading I've done suggests that the benefits of wearing a mask are minimal at best, I made my decision based purely on sartorial splendor. It's just not a good look for me.

Plus, I eat lots of garlic and there's no fun in the inevitable garlic-blowback that would take place inside a facemask. Besides, my Mom, who is also the family herbalist and witch doctor, tells me garlic is an anti-viral, immunity boosting substance.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I plan to go avenge mankind by cooking up a nice rack of babyback ribs in the stove-top smoker...