In Which I'm an Old White Rapper...

The Girl grinds her teeth while she sleeps. It's not so much her grinding them that bothers me, really, it's her GRINDING them. It's like trying to sleep next to a freakin' cement mixer.

When she's done in the shower she has this ritual - always faithfully observed - where she wraps her head in a towel and then air-dries herself while laying on another towel in our bed. All this manages to do is remove both towels from the bathroom and make the bed soggy. Perhaps you won't be surprised to learn that she lays on my side when she does this.

She moves my stuff regularly and then tells me she has no idea what I'm talking about when I ask her where my iPod or keys or textbooks are.

When she eats something that she really enjoys, she does so with her mouth wide open- all the while making loud smacking noises. Much like I imagine a sweet but dim little girl would.

She'll tell me "there's no fish in here!" just so I'll try something she's made...that has fish in it.

She watches "China's Got Talent" every night during the work week. Due to the fact that our apartment comprises roughly the same square footage as a Ford Pinto, this forces me to don a gigantic pair of headphones and put on some music to drown out the show. I'm forced to do this because China does not, in fact, have talent.

She knows I hate it when she does all of these things, of course.

But, still, all of them pale in comparison to her latest and greatest annoyance. Recently she's spent an inordinate amount of time breaking into song. Specifically, Chinese Love songs.

This is not merely aggravating, it's tragic. To hear her sing is to know true regret. It's like hearing two cats in a bag as they fight to slow, brutal and agonizing death. While someone rubs my balls with sandpaper.

There's nothing left for me to do, really. I've got to relaliate. I know that she simply cannot abide hip hop music and it occurred to me that the only thing worse than rap music is rap music performed by a white guy. So, I'm thinking it may be time for MC Chewy to make his Hong Kong debut. We'll see if she can handle the wax I drop on her when she gets home from a long day at the office.

This will be a departure for me as I'm more of a crooner, really. I suppose I could try to combine the two genres- "Bling Crosby", if you will.

Cruel and unusual? Perhaps. But she's left me no alternative.

Curtains up at 8.